2009

When I run, I think. It sounds strange I know. But when you have 2 kids under the age of two peace and quiet is in short supply. I used to laugh when my Mom would say, "Be quiet kids! I can't even hear myself think." I no longer laugh at that expression. I AM that expression. People think I run for fitness or to lose weight. No. I run to think. To clear my head. To think of things that I want to do for my family, others and myself. To think of how God has blessed me. To think about how I can be a better person.To pray for someone. This is my God given time.
Yesterday on my run I thought about God's many blessings that he gave me in 2009. Here are but a few noteworthy blessings this year. Although I realize that the little blessings during the day are what really make my world go round.

1. January 29, 2009 1:13 PM and 5 seconds God let me experience my son being born healthy and whole. This is no small thing. I did not get to hold Kate right after she was born. But with Carson I pulled him up with both hands on to my chest. This may seem strange to say, but I will never forget the warmth of him. That temperature will be burned into my memory. He was so warm. And he was our gift. I remember saying over and over, "Hello our little surprise!" And then I remember the look on Jared's face. It was a mixture of joy and wonder. It was a special look only for that day as joy and wonder are not very common emotions for a man. But that day he looked like what I imagined he looked like as a child on Christmas morning.

2. I became a Mommy. I think I have said this before but it becomes truer each time I think about it. Kate made me a mother. I learned the ropes with her. How to change a diaper, how to feed her, how to put her back to sleep. The basics. But when Carson was born I became a Mommy. I just wanted to hug them and kiss them all of the time. I am filled with joy when they smile and when they are hurt or are sad there is a place inside of me that hurts with them. I will never fully understand unconditional love. I don't really believe that the depths of that kind of love are really meant to be understood by anyone other than God. But I am pretty sure that the way I love my kids come pretty close.

3. I was given the extreme blessing of staying home. I can truly say that I no longer take this blessing for granted. I am not being self righteous when I say that. The priviledge of staying home has been taken away from me twice. When it was given back to me for the third time I knew to cherish it. I can't talk about it with someone with out choking up. It is such a precious time for me. And I am continually grateful to Jared for making this possible. To fully support our family financially is a huge task and he is equal to it. He never complains. This is truly the best gift that he can give me. I am living my dream. He works very hard for us and I tell the kids how special he is all of the time. And when there are nights like the other night when he comes home after an especially hard day just to go back out 30 minutes later to close a loan to make extra money I am overwhelmed. I have heard some women say that they felt like they lost their identity when they became a stay at home mom. But I felt like I have really found myself. I have learned more about who I am. My creative outlet has been opened wide with my sewing and other creative projects. I have learned more about patience and mostly about God's love. About how He wants me to model love to my kids. About how He wants me to love and respect my husband. It is a wonderful learning experience and I pray everyday that I can continue this journey with them.

4. My desire to be close to God is the greatest its ever been. God has put the desire in my heart to intentionally find ways to be close to Him. The weekly Bible study that I have started has already opened my eyes to see God and Jesus in a new way. I just pray that He will continue to show me ways to draw closer to Him. I pray that He will show me ways to be a better wife and Mom.

These are my goals this year.
1. To draw closer to God
2. To love Jared and the kids intentionally and to love them well
3. To increase random acts of kindness