Heavy Heart

I am weighed down tonight. I miss my husband. My heart is lonely with out him. I can't explain the empty feeling I feel. You know when you just keep going and going because if you stop you will break down? Well last night I stopped. The tears came fast and furious. But it was a good cry. I needed that release. God provided that for me thankfully when the kids were asleep.
I am just so weary. I am so weighed down by all of the sadness in this world. Sweet babies spending their childhoods in cancer wards, a precious woman on her way to teach Jesus' Love to little ones this morning killed in a car accident. I can't make sense of this.I wonder if some day we will find any of the answers to the eternal question of Why? Why Lord?
Yesterday I took Carson to have a test done to figure why he has been having intermittent tummy issues. He had to drink that horrible contrast solution while they basically held him down on his side. As you can imagine he was not happy. I could just stand on one side of the machine and I couldn't touch him because he was under the X Ray. I cried the entire time. I couldn't hold him. I couldn't comfort him. I couldn't do my main job as a Mom which right then at that moment was to comfort him and hold him and tell him I was there. More than once I wanted to scoop his little body off that table and say, "Thank you very much but we are leaving now." They would turn him over and he would turn his head frantically trying to look for me. "Are you still here Mommy?" "Why is this happening to me?" "Take me away from all of this." "Make it better Mommy!"
After it was all over I reflected on how similar that whole scene was to my walk with God now. I am being tossed and turned in every direction and I am frantically looking for my heavenly Father. "Are you there Father?" "Why is this happening to me?" "Make it go away Lord!" But I can only imagine that He is saying, "I AM here." " I am right next to you." I love the image of God holding me like a baby. Cradling me and comforting me like a child. He cares. He wants the best for me. That is my comfort and has strengthened my faith tremendously. My prayers are not formal these days. I talk to God like He's right there with me. My feelings, my thoughts, however jumbled it is I know that He can handle it. Just like I would never think of leaving Carson in that exam room yesterday He would never even think about leaving me. Ever. That is my comfort. Hebrews 13:5 "And the Lord has said, Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you."