Regrets

Regrets. I know you're not supposed to have them. But I do. Especially about decisions I made last week. I'm trying to think of a word that sums up last week. And I just can't think of one that is printable here. It was bad. For all the complaining that I do while Jared is away for his work week I would take it all back to have a normal week. It is hard when he is gone and the kids are healthy (Sidenote: I will NEVER think that a week where the kids are healthy and Jared is gone is a hard week) but when the kids are sick? Well, that just takes it to a whole new terrible level. I found that last week everything that you fear about having your husband away can really come true. It was just sickness at our house all week. And with out getting graphic it was sickness that involves a lot of clean up and Lysol. Enough said. Our kids were sick every day last week and then it continued on into the week end. I struggled to make the choices every morning that I HATE. Call into work and be with my babies or push it and let's face it them so that I can get one more day of work in. I was gone from work one day last week. Realistically it should have been 4. My new boss is a nice enough guy but he doesn't have kids. Everyone who has kids knows how unpredictable they can be in the sickness department. Giggly and happy before bed and then up all night. Side question: Why are kids the sickest at night? So I am assuming my boss cannot relate to this and I imagine myself getting lower and lower on his repsect level. But honestly what can I do? This is the constant push and pull that I wrote about in my Tightrope post. Which ironically came right before the horrid week we had last week. And yes, I fell from the tightrope BIG time.
I am shameful about the choices I made for my kids this past week. I will regret it for a long time. These are the kinds of decisions that weigh heavy on my heart and sink me very low into feelings of being a very bad Mommy. Already this week I have been gone from work a day and half. I took a half day yesterday so that I could be with the kids until Jared got home. And today I am home because of me. I was sick all night last night. Of course this only added to my guilt. If my kids were feeling as bad as I was and I sent them to the babysitters anyway? Oh my goodness, what a terrible Mom. I am trying to resolve in my head that from now on no matter what my boss thinks, no matter how many sick days I am trying to save, no matter what I think everyone at work will think of me I will call in when my kids are feeling that bad. If I get fired, then I get fired. But at least it will be for a good reason. I want to have the courage to write my email to my boss with no apologies like I did last week and this week. "I'm so very sorry." I wrote in an email this week. Like I could help the vicious stomach virus that was sweeping our house? I want to have the courage to just write. My son/daughter (or both!) are sick and I need to be at home with them today. Because that is what good Moms do right? They sacrifice the potential of their boss and work colleagues thinking they are a slacker because you are gone from work multiple days a week. They put their kids first priority always no matter what. I wish it were that black and white and it can be if you make it that way and are ready to and brave enough to work through the consequences.