Thoughts

For the first time in 17 years I have no place to work. No job to go to. And not by choice. I loved that job. I loved everything about it. The way it fit my skills. The way it challenged me and rewarded me. It's gone. Done. As I loaded up all of my office equipment to return it to my former company today  I realized that  this is it. It really is over. 

But let me tell you, losing  my job was a walk in the park compared to the day I found myself in a courtroom nearly 18 months ago. My heart broke in ways that day I will never be able to fully understand or resolve within myself. My marriage ended with a simple signature. With a couple of words from the judge, she cancelled out the last 8 years of my life. The only way that I know that those 8 years existed is that I have two beautiful little beings that bear a striking resemblance to the one that was the love of my life.  I still haven't recovered. And to tell the truth I'm really not sure if I ever will fully recover. It has been said that divorce is the highest form of rejection. It is the one person who you loved completely saying, "Not you." Oh and by the way? "Definitely not you." To say that it hurts does not come close to fully describing what it does to you. I settle on the fact and almost rest in the fact that it is an indescribable feeling. It is far reaching and it still knocks me down every single day.

 I was proud of being a wife. I made it my identity.

 It's funny the things that make you feel proud of yourself. People say that men identify their worth with their jobs? Well it happened to me to. I get it now that I'm single. This job was a way to provide for my kids. A way for them to be proud of me. Not sure if that is the correct or Christian way to view it but that's the way I saw it. Over the past 2 years I have seen 2 things that I used to identify myself be taken away from me. And I've spent those last 2 years trying to find something or some one to be accountable for my misfortune. Was it just circumstance? Fate? Evil? Satan? Here's what I do know. It wasn't God. God didn't end my marriage nor did he end my job. Ok maybe he had a hand in pushing me towards another direction career wise but I don't think he had a hand in ending my marriage. I read a book recently in which the author was dying of an aggressive form of cancer. I loved that book because he didn't paralyze you with Jesus talk. Sometimes people heap the word of God on you so much that you feel silly for having a sad thought or angry question. You lost your job? Don't worry God will provide. Yes, I think,  but can I have a feeling about it? The man you loved left you? Well God will take care of you and hold you in His arms. Yes, thank you, but does it make me an unbeliever if I am incredibly sad about that?   This author was a believer to be sure, but he got angry. He questioned. He cursed. But in the end he came to the following conclusion: He just could not believe that the same God that loved him so much that He would send his own son to die for him could be the same God that would give him cancer. And although God would seem like the convenient one to blame. And let's face it, I've spent a lot of time blaming God and being angry at Him. But I have a feeling for all of my yelling and rebellion He just stood His ground and waited for me. And when I was on the floor or sitting on the edge of my bed in the middle of the night crying and asking, "Why?" and screaming over and over, "I didn't want this!" He was sitting close by. Loving me. Waiting for me. And so I have no real answers as to why bad things happen to people or whom or what is to blame. Still have not figured that out and I never will be comfortable with any answer that I discover or is given to me. I find that as I get older there is so much that I really can't explain and I am learning that I have to be ok with that. To keep my sanity and my kindness I have to know that some things will never be explained.

I will close with this revelation that I had recently. I have one basic fear in life and it is this: I fear that my kids will never know how much I love them. I can tell them and show them in my actions but my one fear is that they will doubt it and not believe it. When I pray with my kids at night I always say, "and God please help Kate and Carson to know how much they are loved." The thing is that God wants the same for me. I just realized it. He is wanting the same thing that I want for my kids. He wants me to know how much I am loved by Him. I still don't believe it. I haven't let His love pierce through my insecurity and darkness. I hope that someday I will. What a day that will be.