Thursday, April 29, 2010

Heavy Heart

I am weighed down tonight. I miss my husband. My heart is lonely with out him. I can't explain the empty feeling I feel. You know when you just keep going and going because if you stop you will break down? Well last night I stopped. The tears came fast and furious. But it was a good cry. I needed that release. God provided that for me thankfully when the kids were asleep.
I am just so weary. I am so weighed down by all of the sadness in this world. Sweet babies spending their childhoods in cancer wards, a precious woman on her way to teach Jesus' Love to little ones this morning killed in a car accident. I can't make sense of this.I wonder if some day we will find any of the answers to the eternal question of Why? Why Lord?
Yesterday I took Carson to have a test done to figure why he has been having intermittent tummy issues. He had to drink that horrible contrast solution while they basically held him down on his side. As you can imagine he was not happy. I could just stand on one side of the machine and I couldn't touch him because he was under the X Ray. I cried the entire time. I couldn't hold him. I couldn't comfort him. I couldn't do my main job as a Mom which right then at that moment was to comfort him and hold him and tell him I was there. More than once I wanted to scoop his little body off that table and say, "Thank you very much but we are leaving now." They would turn him over and he would turn his head frantically trying to look for me. "Are you still here Mommy?" "Why is this happening to me?" "Take me away from all of this." "Make it better Mommy!"
After it was all over I reflected on how similar that whole scene was to my walk with God now. I am being tossed and turned in every direction and I am frantically looking for my heavenly Father. "Are you there Father?" "Why is this happening to me?" "Make it go away Lord!" But I can only imagine that He is saying, "I AM here." " I am right next to you." I love the image of God holding me like a baby. Cradling me and comforting me like a child. He cares. He wants the best for me. That is my comfort and has strengthened my faith tremendously. My prayers are not formal these days. I talk to God like He's right there with me. My feelings, my thoughts, however jumbled it is I know that He can handle it. Just like I would never think of leaving Carson in that exam room yesterday He would never even think about leaving me. Ever. That is my comfort. Hebrews 13:5 "And the Lord has said, Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you."

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Can I Get An Amen From the Backseat?

My kids love praise music. When their favorite songs "My Savior Lives" and "Your Grace is Enough" start up Kate starts pumping her little arms up and down in the cutest fashion and says, "Mommy! Mommy!" to make sure that I am joining in, and Carson starts flailing his arms and legs excitedly. Which just goes to show you that kids are influenced by what they are exposed to. I suppose that if I played Britney Spears non stop in the car my 2 year old would be singing the words and melodies to those songs instead. But I am personally glad that I get to hear her sing "My Sayour ives!" And if this post sounds a little self righteous, well I apologize. But seriously, I know that I have nothing to do with it. I just press play and God does the rest. :)

I Got Sunshine on a Cloudy Day With............

My Girl!

The Book Title Says It All

Friday, April 23, 2010

Free at Last!!

As I write that post title I am thinking that that exclamation belongs more to Kate's parents than it does to her. I think that she felt free already. And save for 2 weeks at the beginning I think she feels like this purple sock is a part of her. When that buzz saw started up (she was scared and started crying even with Daddy's firm hold and Mommy holding her hand:( ) I felt like we were saying good bye to a very important chapter in her life. What a blessing this cast was. I know! So crazy for me to say that but I feel like it really was! And I say that in no Pollyannaish way. This cast showed me what our girl is made of! Pure toughness and an attitude that says, "Nothing is going to get in my way." Where I would still be hobbling on crutches she was running. Where I would have refused to go anywhere she was walking the length of the zoo refusing to ride in the stroller. In fact, when we went to the zoo on Wednesday we passed a guy in his 20s who was in a wheel chair and had a cast on that was very similar to Kate's. He said, "Here I have been feeling sorry for myself and look at her go! She makes me feel like I should get up and start walking!" We should all take a lesson from our kids in this area I have decided. Kids have no knowledge of pity parties or the fact that they CAN'T do something until a grown up tells them they can't. At the beginning of this journey 5 weeks ago I was thinking she won't be able to walk with that cast on..and you know what? She did! She didn't walk, she ran! I got to experience the milestone of Kate walking again! What a blessing. I also thought she couldn't go to her little school, surely they won't want to deal with a little girl with a cast on her leg. But when I talked to the director she said that it would be no problem. I got to see compassion on a whole other level from her teachers and of course her little friends. Someday I will tell her about this little journey that she went on her life. How brave she was and how fearless she was. How she didn't let anything get her way. I pray that she will always have this attitude. I also pray that as a Mommy I will let her have this attitude and not get in her way. I just thank God so much for leading us through this journey and for healing her leg. But I praise Him most of all for teaching me through our little girl how to live life.

Our girl dancing with her purple sock one last time

The most tears were shed this morning during the cast removal. That saw can be pretty scary!

A concerned brother

The Big Reveal

Hello Sweet Leg we have missed you!

A sticker made it all better, and a hug from Mommy of course!

Not to mention a hug from Daddy :)

I never thought I would learn so much from a cast

Sunday, April 18, 2010

A Song in our Hearts

Sometimes you just gotta sing. That's our philosophy anyway.We just recently purchased a Flip video camera so that we could start capturing these kids live and in person. And I told Carson (no pressure) but I also bought it so that we could get his first steps on camera. He gave me a "yeah right!" look as he crawled away from me. A couple of songs on this one. The old stand by "I love you you love me" with a sweet kiss for Daddy and then a song that I made up. It's called the Hope song and I sing it to the kids everyday. It goes something like, "You've gotta have Hope Hope, you gotta have hope yes you gotta have hope." The kids love to fill in the "Hope Hope" part. Even Carson pipes up with his "Ho! Ho!"

Thursday, April 15, 2010

The Sweet Spot

This week I have taken a ton of pictures of our kids. Precious times. I just want to capture this time and bottle it up so that someday down the road I can experience it all over again. I love the innocence of my kids right now. I love that they want to roll around with me on a quilt in the back yard. I love that they think it is just simply hilarious to plop right down on my tummy when I'm fake sleeping. Kate loves it when I bring the quilt out to the back yard. She knows there is some good cuddle time ahead. Carson loves to play on he porch and then crawl over and bury his head into me. It is so sweet and I will always remember what a bond that I feel with both of them even at this young age. I love these pictures because looking at them I can see EVERY expression that my kids make daily. Even the expressions that aren't "camera ready" and I love that, because I know that I will look back at this slideshow and think "Oh that expression right there is SO Carson...or SO Kate." I love that Kate is still wearing a Christmas shirt in April. I love to see her look down at the Santa Claus and say "Ho ho ho! Merwee kissmus!" I love the way Carson's hair stands on end in the breeze.I love that when I say to him, "Give Mommy a kiss!" he will either open his mouth wide and plant a wet one on my cheek or shake his little head fast and say, "No!" as only a little boy can.
This is it. I've found it. The sweet spot of life. It has nothing to do with money, or jobs, or going back to work or not going back to work. It's all wrapped up in a wild haired little girl and blonde blue eyed little boy. They've got my heart and they know it. Somehow they know that they are the sweet spot of my life and they are reveling in it!

The Breakdown of a Breakdown

Ah, Sweetness and light. Yes well...... just want to let you know in this house we are keeping it real. This is my sweet little lovely having a little tantrum. Caught in pictures of course by Mommy because....well... you know..... they grow up so quick!!! The whole time I am taking pictures she is saying,"No cheese!" because we always tell her to say cheese! when she gets her picture taken. By the way, she wanted me to "Shan up Mommy!" (Stand up) and she got upset because I was perfectly comfortable on the quilt in the warm sunshine.How dare I? I really hope that her husband will one day tell her what I told her that day. "Sweetie even when you are mad you are still beautiful to me!"

Monday, April 12, 2010

Eat! Eat!!

This is what Kate says when she wants to eat. I know that Carson is happy that she learned this word because it usually means he will be eating also. Kate's favorite lately is "mat n cheese." Mac and Cheese in case you don't speak toddler. Eating has been an up and down experience for both of these kids. Kate is slightly picky and likes to eat the same things over and over. And Carson is having trouble eating anything past baby food or baby cereal. But it is getting better on both sides and I have learned that they are both going to be ok. And if you look at both of them you will be assured that these two are not wasting away. Here are some scenes from our crazy cafe.......
Carson's new thing is wanting to feed himself. He throws a fit when I try to take the spoon from him. So it ends up being a very messy.....


Messy Experience!! But I love the independence he is gaining.

But when Carson feeds Kate he takes great care to make it very neat.

Carson is SO glad that Kate is a dainty eater. He always helps himself to what she doesn't want and in this case sometimes he helps himself to what she DOES want!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Tuley Time

Our friends Derek and Jodi came over last week with their two boys Hudson and Easton. They brought us fajitas and we tried to catch up with each other lives. We really are so blessed to have the Tuleys in our life. They are our oldest friends here in Fort Worth. We knew them we were all newly married and we have seen each other through really great times and really bad times. Hudson and Kate are the same age and they are so cute and play so well together. I love how Kate says his name, "Hutin!" when she sees him.

Kate loves Hudson but I'm not sure how he feels about her. She grabbed his hand and said, "Say Cheese!" Then she tried to hug him and he was not too pleased. Crazy boy!

We got to see what Kate would have been like if Jared and I had been like normal people and waited until Kate was 2 to have Carson. She was such a little Mommy and wanted to hold him and touch him a lot. When the Tuleys left she yelled, "Bye Baby!" as they car drove away. Sweet girl!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Easter 2010

Easter Sunday was a great day filled with so many blessings. We went to church in the morning and were so encouraged by the singing and the message. As we walked into the auditorium they were singing Kate's new favorite song, "My Saviour Lives". Her eyes lit up and she started clapping her hands and shaking her head. And at the end when we sang "My Saviour lives, my Saviour lives, my Saviour lives!!!!" I could hear Kate's little voice singing, "My sayour ives!!"
After church we went to Uncle Blair's house for some lunch and an Easter egg hunt. The kids really got the hang of hunting eggs. It was so cute to see them discover eggs and then pick them up and put them in their basket. Carson caught on really quick! He then sat down on the grass and started transferring the candy from one egg to another. He even tried to steal some eggs from his cousin Toby's basket. We took some good pictures together and everyone had so much fun.
I think my favorite part of the day was Kate sitting on Blair's coffee table singing the "I love you, You love me" song from Barney. And when it got to the part where they sing "a great big hug and a kiss from me to you" both of her cousins gave her a huge kiss. It was so precious!
This Easter was made extra special for me because my Mom was able to be here. She came down last week to help me with the kids while Jared was working and she got to stay through the week end. She loved being with the kids during Easter. A very special time.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

A Milestone Revisited

I remember very clearly the morning Kate took her first real steps. We had been working on it for awhile and that morning she was really getting her balance. She started taking more and more steps and before the morning was out she was walking and we had the video to prove it. Last Saturday I felt like we lived it all over again. Kate took her first tentative steps with out support on her little cast. And it was just as thrilling as the first time. How many kids get to relive a milestone like that? When I picked her up from her little school yesterday she was running towards me! The cutest little hobbler you ever did see!

God has said, "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper. I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" Hebrews 13:5-6