It is Well

So many times I have almost come to this blog to share all of the thoughts and feelings that I have had these past 2 weeks but I have just not been able to do it. I have ridden the roller coaster. My highs involve knowing that this job is turning us around financially. It is jump starting our debt free plan. And then my lows involve moments like last Thursday when Carson cried and reached for me as I left him in tears. That was a bad day. But believe it or not, and sometimes I don't believe it myself I really do have a peace about going back to work this time. In the previous times I have gone back to work I would always try to think of ways that would get me back home. But this time I am not doing that. I am settling into my job. Thankful for the opportunity. Very thankful to be there. I really do think this peace comes from the endless prayers that are being lifted up for me and my family. It has to be, because there is no other way to describe this contentment that I have right now. And there will be days when I know that this contentment will fade away but the difference this time is that I know it is there. I know that contentment is possible and that it will find me again. I heard something amazing about 6 months ago.
 I did not know Jenny Bizallion but like many I identified with her as being a young mother. Jenny lived in our area and died about 6 months ago. I was priviledged to listen to her funeral online. Something that was said at her funeral has stuck with me ever since that time. She had been dealing with a very hard trial in her life and she said that she didn't want to be known as the woman who was constantly down about this certain trial but rather she wanted to be known as the woman who didn't get her way but still praised God with everything she is. That's how I want my kids to remember me during this time. I want to tell them, "Mommy didn't get her way. Mommy wanted very much to stay home with you, but Mommy also knew that God had a plan for our family that I needed to follow. And even if it wasn't the plan I wanted I was obedient to it."
I miss a lot things about staying at home with my babies. But I think the one thing I miss the most is the seemingly infinite time we had together. If Kate wanted to step on every crack in the sidewalk on the way to the car, well, she could. I remember telling her, "go ahead baby we have all the time in the world." If Carson wanted to be rocked and held after he woke up from his nap that's exactly what I did. There were days when we never got out of our PJs. All that time and I tried to never take it for granted. Looking back, I always acted like I knew that I wouldn't be home for a long time. And that perspective helped me to enjoy it to the fullest.
All I know is that God is protecting our family. He is near to us and He is not going anywhere. I take comfort in that. The Sunday before my first day at work I went to church and was doing well emotionally. And then the praise band started this song and it brought me to my knees. I had been singing it my whole life, but that day it took on a whole new meaning and I saw this song with new eyes.

When peace like a river
Attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot
Thou has taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul.