Transparent

Our life is moving at a rapid pace these days. And only when I stop at night and let it all sink in do I really think about how overwhelming this all is. But by the time I get to the place of being completely overwhelmed  the Lord blesses me mercifully with much needed rest. I have noticed that ever since I've started working there are many days where I am ok with the situation and miss my kids but feel generally peaceful. And then there are days when I feel a sucker punch of sadness. It just hits me and knocks me down and all I want to do is run home back into the arms of my babies. Truth? I find it very hard to be around stay at home moms right now. It makes me think about the life that I once had. I find it very hard to read blogs right now because they are all blogs of stay at home Moms. Tonight was hard. Meet the teacher night at our preschool. It hit me hard. Barring some special event I will never get to drop off or pick my kids up from their little school. I will never really get to know their teachers. Never REALLY get to know the details that I love so much. I love the little stories about their days. I'm sad tonight. Tonight I feel cheated and maybe a little angry. Just at the situation. Just at life in general. I feel called to stay at home with my beautiful babies and love them and hug them and discipline them in the way I wanted to. But God so clearly was pointing our family in another direction. Tonight I wonder why? But that is tonight. To be so transparent is kind of making me feel uncomfortable. But I didn't want this night to go by with out writing out my feelings. Reality hits hard sometime like it did tonight. But tomorrow morning will come and I know that God will show me wonderful blessings about this situation just like he has so many times in the past 4 weeks. So tonight I will rant and rave and I know that He can handle it. And I know that He will still want to be near. And I know that He will pick me up off the floor and lift my head up. I know that even as our kids sleep that He is loving them and holding them and protecting them emotionally just like I ask Him to do every day. This post is disjointed. Definitely like my life these days. I can't think of a neat way to wrap this post up so I will just sign off here and say I'm still faithful but sad tonight.