You know, I used to measure my success by how many files I could underwrite per day or how many miles I could run but now I have a whole other definition of success. My major accomplishment last week was getting Kate to nap in her crib. I was starting to see that I was having trouble putting her down and she had never spent any time in her crib. So last Thursday I tried it. With some helpful advice from fellow Mommies Randi and Courtney I had the confidence to do it. I put her down...held my breath and she slept like a baby. I really prayed about this and I remembered my "Just Slide" post that I posted coincidentally right before she was born. I have come to rely on God more than I ever have in my life. Sometimes I cry out to him in frustration, sometimes it is out of pure joy that my precious little girl has accomplished another small milestone like sleeping in her crib for the first time. I know that every other parent relaizes this but I can't raise this little girl with out God taking the lead. I have tears in my eyes as I type that sentence. This is not a church pleasing statement. I literally CAN'T do it. I need him to lead me as a Mommy as I make decisions everyday about her life. Being a parent is a major undertaking as anyone will tell you. I guess I just didn't really understand. I found myself debating on whether I should move her up to the next size diaper last week (I did...so much better :) ) Even seemingly trivial things like that are so important now. I look at her sleeping, or playing or crying and I find myself so thankful that it's not just me. She has a wonderful Daddy here on earth that is so instinctual with her I am amazed everyday. But she has a heavenly Father that loves her and cares about her as an individual little girl. Everyone remarks about how much hair Kate has. And every time they do I think of that verse in the Bible that says He knows the number of hairs on her head. I am humbled by being a Mommy...especially a new Mommy. But it comforts me to know that when I rock her to sleep, God is rocking her with me, when I pray about a decision I need to make for her He is directing me, when she is crying and I don't know what she wants He is calming me and helping me figure it out. I have a confession to make...Motherhood did not come natural to me at all. I have had to grow into it and I am still growing into that role everyday. I was a lot more selfish than I thought. God has shown me a lot about myself in these 5 weeks. He has shed light on my insecurities, my perfectionism, and my selfishness. He has really helped me to gain a new perspective on life. With out Him none of this is possible. With out Jesus dying on the cross for my sins I wouldn't even be here. He knew that I would have Kate Elizabeth in my life. He holds our future in His hands. Isn't that a relief that we don't have to do this alone?
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