Guilt

As I was getting Kate ready for bed tonight she was especially animated. She has been doing this for the past few days now. As I put her on her changing table after her bath she will start moving her arms and kicking her legs like she is very excited about something. She has even added sounds to this moving and kicking.She is a lot more vocal at night than she is during the day. It is known around our house as The Kate Show. Price of admission is one good bath and a diaper change. As Jared and I were watching this show with our hands resting under our chins it dawned on me that I will be going back to work a week from today. This tremendous wave of guilt hit me. Not that I haven't already experienced this guilt. I experienced the guilt that comes from being a new mother. I was especially hard on myself in the early days (as my sweet patient husband can attest to.) I think any working Mom who is really telling the truth would tell you that they really do not want to work. Some may be thinking, "If you don't want to work, then don't." But it's not that easy is it? I will admit that the reasons I am going to work stretch beyond financial concerns. I miss the feeling of productivity in a work place, interacting and making decisions with people.I used to think it made me less of a Mom to admit that fact even if it was only to myself. That's the kind of guilt I've been dealing with. But I have come to realize that this kind of guilt can cripple you if you let it. I almost let it steal the joy and wonderment of those first few weeks with Kate. Who am I kidding? On some days it actually did. But I can't let it do that this time. As a working Mom I will be working with quality time not quantity time. I have to make every millisecond count. I think I should have called this post "Doing the Best I Can." That's what I feel like I'm doing everyday. I wish I could wrap up this post in a neat little package but I can't. I think both working and stay at home Moms just need to pray for each other. And by the way I am a great Mom. I write this not to brag (believe me I am humbled everyday) but I write it to actually see it on the screen. Funny I know, please let me explain. When Kate was born and up until a few weeks ago I had zero confidence in the motherhood department. I prayed for God to give me confidence as a Mom and as always he answered my prayer. I do have confidence now. That's MY girl. This is how you comfort her. No she's not hungry, just fussy. It's ok for her to cry a little. Talk about on the job training! But I am slowly getting it friends. Thank you to everyone who said a prayer on my behalf. In hindsight I know those prayers lifted me up. As I said in a previous post I am constantly relying on God to guide me as a Mom. He reminds me every single day that I can't do this on my own. I find myself wanting to say more and more to Him , "I trust you." What a gift.