Had I written this post earlier in the week end it would have been titled something very different. Maybe something along the lines of "I feel cheated" or "Jealousy" or even "I'm Angry!" But as usual, when I wait on the Lord He reveals a new perspective. Waiting on the Lord and waiting in general is my supreme weakness, but I am getting better through God's discipline. Slowly but surely.
On Friday I accepted a job offer to work at a company in southwest Fort Worth. Yes friends, a full time job offer finally! It is a wonderful opportunity for me. A place where I can grow. A chance to meet new people. However, it means that I have to leave my sweet precious girl in the care of someone else for 8 hours out of the day. All day yesterday I was filled with horrendous self defeating thoughts. "Now I am a part time Mom." "I am half of a Mom" "Kate's life will go to hell in a handbasket". I was angry. I was jealous of all the other Moms. I was sad. I was self defeating. I was plunged into self pity that would have shamed even the most self defeating person.
God revealed to me so many things this morning. I am so blessed. This time last year He was forming this little girl inside of me. It is not a mistake that I am her Mom. Kate was entrusted to Jared and I. But ultimately she is not ours. She is God's. I forget that. I forget who she really belongs to.I forgot who has her life mapped out. I forgot that He is the one who knows her better than I do. He holds her closer than I do. I give myself pats on the back every day for the little milestones that I accomplish as a Mom. It's not me!!! Why don't I get that? None of this would be possible with out Him. God has made me who I am. He has made me the Mom I am. And nothing is going to change that. Not even going back to work. Our girl is going to be just fine. I have to believe that. This is not forever. I have to believe that also. This is a season of our lives and I am going to be a better Mom for it. I am going to pray every day that I will make the most out of the time I have with her. I will thank God everyday that He gave me 4 whole months staying at home with her. I will pray that He will show me the lessons I need to learn. And I will pray that He will keep the self defeating thoughts away so that I will not be robbed of the joy of Kate's life. While I can't wrap this post up in a neat little package I can say "Blessed Be the Name of the Lord!"
Casual From Here on Out
2 days ago
5 comments:
I don't even know where to start. . First let me tell you that if I were there I'd give you a hug! I know exactly how you feel, I remember starting back to work. There are going to be days that it just seems like routine and then other days where it seems like you can't part with your child (unless I am one of those crazy overly protective mothers).
I think, already, you are handling it better than I did or even still do :) You and Jared are AMAZING parents, and this does not change that. You have to realize that what you are doing is giving your family an opportunity to explore new things. Oh, and CONGRATULATIONS on the new job!!! Sorry, I got so wrapped up in things that I nearly forgot! Take care and we might be in that area the weekend after Father's Day!
God Bless,
shavonne
Hey you three,
I am so happy for you on the new job!!!Four months with Kate can surely "spoil" you but now you will have the opportunity to get into high gear and be "super" mom.New things are scary at first but the new routine will fall into place, like you said, with God in control you know it will be okay.He has allowed you time to adjust to being a new mom and dad now he is pushing you out of the nest and making you grow some more.God shapes and molds us every day into what He wants us to be. I am so thankful ya'll are strong in your faith, it means everything.
Love, Maw
Don't be afraid....do what you have to do and He will take of you. It is hard, there is no going around that, but "this too shall pass". As you very well know, it is not the quantity but the quality. You will do great...Congrats...
love ya'll,
kittie
Bets,
I love you. I want you to know I am in your corner - cheering you on. Praying for God to fill you with peace as you reach this new phase of your life...and Kate's. She knows how deeply you love her - you can be certain of that.
Love you,
Care
I'll be praying for you as you continue to work through all these feelings with the Lord's help! I'm sure it won't be a one-time process but an ongoing one. Just remember that EVERY mom is struggling with her own issues, her own reasons that she is less of a mom that she wants to be. You are so right that it is all the Lord anyway and nothing we do can measure up to what we feel these little ones need from us. Yet, we are the ones who were chosen to raise them and be there with them. So we are perfect. Perfect for that child. There is no one, however amazing, who could possibly be better for Kate! And isn't the truest work of a mom to pray for her children? Seems to me that can happen at work as well as anywhere else!!! Congrats on the job and know that I'm always here in your corner!
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