A Mean Week

This week was a mean week. I really don't know how else to put it. Professionally speaking I was beat up and pummeled and reduced to tears TWICE at my job. Like I said it was a mean week. From Monday on it was problem after problem. I would think I was doing something right only to find out I had messed it up. Both my mind and heart are not in this job. My mistakes come because I have no passion for this. My passion is about 2 miles away at a daycare playing and laughing and smiling. I miss my kids. Plain and simple. There is no room for this job in my heart. My heart belongs to my family. And when your heart is with something or in this case someone else it makes the problems like I had at work this week seem like a huge nusiance. I get the feeling of "Why am I here when my kids are somewhere else?" It's a constant struggle and I feel like I live in two worlds.I constantly straddle the line between what is necessary and what i desire. When I first started leaving my kids in daycare people would tell me, "Oh you'll get used to it. just give it time." Well you know what? I'm still not used to it and it's been 4 months. I still walk out of there in the morning with tears in my eyes. I don't think I will ever get used to it.Every day I pray that God will provide me the opportunity to stay home with my kids just for a little while. I got to stay home with Kate the first 4 months of her life and then for 4 more months after I was laid off in November. So I feel very blessed for the time that I have been given to be a stay at home Mommy. On the other hand Carson has been in daycare since he was 7 weeks old.I have written this post many times and then erased it because it seems to negative or woe is me. But I want to look back on this time in my life and remember the push and pull I felt. I need to remember and record the longing that I felt for my kids and that my heart's desire was to be with them.